The Girdle with The Eyeholes

i'm not in panic mode.
i haven't had a real date in a long time, and friday night, i have one!!!!
i mean... i've had a date here and there, but not a REAL date.
one that i'm excited about.

i met Mel on Craigslist.
i posted a stupid post seeking to find someone to date,
and she answered it. i must remember to ask her what she was doing on Craigslist.

anyway, this gal told me she's neurotic about her eating habits, exercising habits..
and that she's skinny and hard.
and very, very feminine.
and has never been with a lady before.

i have to sit here and drink my beer and think about this.
am i nuts?

so today, i was digging through my panty basket when i came upon my body girdle.
the ones that pull in the belly, and waist.
it has "cartilages" to create support.
it has a million eye holes in front and at the crotch.

so i put this thing on and see how it feels.
tight.
i feel like i'm in a suit of armour.
so i sit down in this thing.
ok, so i won't be able to eat alot.
can't do that on a first date, anyway.

but when you have to go pee...
you have to either pull the whole thing down to your knees,
or try to unsnap the crotch eye holes.
oy vey.

it took me a good 3 minutes to get the eye holes undone,
and another 5 minutes to try and snap them back.
who's idea were the eye holes at the crotch?
how is someone supposed to drop their head, get close enough to see the eye holes without dropping your glasses into the toilet or on the floor, and under the next stall?

and why do i have to suck in my belly?
and why do models have to be so thin, and i have to wear some ridiculous thing with eyeholes at the bottom of my crotch?

i shall post after my date with this woman, and my girdle with the cartilage and eye holes.

Finally!

How long has it been? How long has it been since i've thought about being in a for real coupledom? When was the last time I thought about participating in a relationship where I would have to be accountable for many hours in my day. Accountable for who all I socialized with, and where I spent the most hours. I have to answer many questions right now, as this new interest and I begin to see if we "fit." Isn't that what we're doing? Seeing if we can fit into this person's life? After all, wouldn't it be a shame if you didn't dig deeper into a potential mate's life to see if they are a night owl? when you are a morning glory?

what if this person doesn't eat meat? or fish? and only eats raw food? or snores?
we have to find out if this person fits into our lifestyle.

oh how i hate doing all this. why can't we just sit and talk and get it over with? don't we usually know if we click within minutes of meeting someone new? do we feel electricity? a charge? see something in the eyes? the voice? watch the body language? oh how i hate this part.

How To Be The Perfect Mate.

i had a partner that used to ask me to help her pick out the right shoe for the slacks she was wearing..... that morning.

no problem, right?

wrong.

she had 5 or 6 prs of brown loafers. some were dark brown, muddled brown, rich oxblood brown, tan, chestnut, and all 1 inch heel.

which one did i think looked better with her twill khaki slacks?

now, in order to be a loving partner, and to help the relationship grow stronger everyday, you must participate in this insanity by asking your partner to put on each shoe, walk around, pose, and then come back and stand in front of you.

that's all you have to do. you don't even have to pick out the shoe. because your partner pretty much knows which one will work. it's just obsessive compulsive behavior.

be careful, that behavior is learned.

Female Fitness and Nutrition Scientist: Low carb research in the works

Female Fitness and Nutrition Scientist: Low carb research in the works

The Yahoo Personal Dinner Party

Lovely Rita threw a dinner party, Friday night at her place so that her pal Larry and myself could meet the 'new' Mr. Wonderful.

The 'old' lovahboy ended up being a sociopath. but that's another blog, entirely. let's get back to the dinner party.

Lovely Rita met Mr. Wonderful through the Yahoo Personals. She paid for her subscription, and the first one that wrote back to her "ice breaker" was 'new' Mr. Wonderful.

Lovely Rita was excited for Larry and I to meet Mr. Wonderful.. they were having more sex than she's ever had in her entire life.

So last Friday night, Rita invited her regulars. Larry, his date, me, my date, the neighbor Rae, Pines (someone new to the collection).

Now.... let me back up just a paragraph. Larry is Lovely Rita's pal.. a psychologist, someone that has been there to listen to Rita's ongoing drama with the 'old' Mr. Wonderful... Lovahboy.
The last time I saw Larry, I heard he was dating 5 women from the "Personals." I thought, wow... what do they see in him?

Friday night, Larry had "Colleen" with him. I'm guessing she was one of the 5 he was dating. Strangely, I learned she was pregnant, living in Larry's house, and changing her religion to Jewdism. I was wondering if Larry knew her last name...

And then there was me. I brought a date. I met Jeff in the Yahoo Personals, too. This was our second meeting. He had invited himself to the dinner party when I told him I was going to have homemade Indian food.

So there I was, with my new date Jeff, Larry and some pregnant woman, Lovely Rita and 'new' Mr. Wonderful. All of us, sitting around a dinner table, with our "Personals" dates.

Is this the way of the world? We have to find partners on the internet? and do the dating thing?

The first time I met Jeff, I jokingly said to him when I sat down across from him, "Could we get this over with, please?" he seemed nice enough. congenial, laughed, listened to me, communicated nicely. we were in a booth, just the two of us.

But when I put him in a social gathering with all kinds of people.. he didn't talk. he wasn't social. either he's not social, really..... or he was really tired from a long Friday...

either way, i felt like i didn't give him enough attention. did i not engage in enough small talk? i'm not sure. after all, this was one of my first dates in many years. have i forgotten how to act?
to socialize? or was he just a blob?

anyways... on to the next guy on the list in "my matches."

Friday Night

I had a date last night.

let me back up. I have been single nearly 2 years. i put my mug and profile up on Yahoo personals. all the men around my age bracket that has been hitting my profile looks soooooo old. none of them look youthful. they all look so much older than myself.

anyways, this past week, I met Jeff. we met for drinks and snack food one evening in my neighborhood. we talked, laughed, sized one another up. he seemed very nice, not aggressive at all. he is 2.5 yrs older than myself, and looks 10 yrs older than me.

before we left our first "date," i told him i had a dinner party i was attending friday night. he asked if he could come along.

my friend that was hosting the dinner party, had invited her closest friends to "check" out her new beau whom she met on the Yahoo personals. Larry was there, with his friend he met on Yahoo personals, and I brought along Jeff, whom i met on Yahoo. so there were the 3 of us, with our yahoo personal people. now larry... who's been dating 5 women, obviously got one of them pregnant, or she wasn't protected and needed to grab anyone that will take care of her. she grabbed larry. she's pregnant. i'm not sure he knows her last name, yet.

so there were the 3 of us, with our 3 dates from Yahoo. mine looked older than me, and said barely a word. larry's friend was talking all about "her" pregnancy, and how happy she was at 42, to have finally found someone and is now pregnant!!! (geeeez)

then there's lovely rita and her new friend. everytime i turned around to look at her, her new friend was mauling her. they were acting like they were 15 yrs old.

and then there was jeff, who could barely keep his eyes open. i'm not sure he appreciated the ethnic food he was served.. but he was nice.

after dinner, after dessert, after lots and lots of conversations... i had to leave. jeff was right behind me.

we went outside, i hugged him, got in my car.. told him he had to go north on the freeway.
i'm headed towards the freeway, getting ready to head south, when i see jeff behind me.
i have to phone him and remind him that he lives north.

was that a little blurb to dumbness?
or was he so tired he never heard me?

i don't like dating.
let's just get this over with.... are you the one for me? am i the one for you? let's just get this over with.

i don't like dating.

1978 Greg Allman encounter

Took two try's to get my password this morning.....
Blogger doesn't want to accept my info... how long have i had this blog now? 4 yrs?


I was working at my first hairdressing job, after passing the CT boards.. I was working in a little shop with a horny italian man.. and his sister, washing heads, waiting for someone to allow me to "do" them.. when one of horndog's regular patrons came in. I was assigned to her to wash and towel dry her hair. she was talking nonstop. talking about a new arrival at the Silver Hills sanitarium in New Canaan, Ct. she was talking about Greg Allman of the Allman Bros.. saying how nasty and unkept he looked. she said, "he really needed a good haircut."

so.... being the groupie that i was, and loving the Allman Bros music, I phoned the hospital and said I was Greg Allman's hairdresser, and could i please speak to him. He got on the phone and right away said he didn't have any hairdresser..

somehow i convinced him to allow me to come up and visit, told him i would bring a joint or two. now he was excited.

i arrived there about 7:30pm one cool crisp evening. drove right up to the "cottage" he was housed in and introduced myself. He came to the door, and walked outside to greet me. we walked and talked about nothing, all he wanted was to inhale that pot.

we walked and smoked for an hour. he told me he was leaving the hospital friday night, and could he come by my place. could i get him some cocaine? was it ok if he came over to visit me before heading out to the Hamptons in Long Island to be with his current wife, Cher.

i agreed, and he was at my place friday night at exactly 8pm. i had what he had asked for. not once did he offer to repay me. he snorted that stuff like it was food. he inhaled it.. with long, long sniffs.

so for 3 hours he sniffed and begged me to have sex with him. not once.. did he reach into his pockets and give me $90 for the drugs he asked for, and he was the LAST thing I would have dropped my drawers for.

after 3 hours, he left, climbing back into his blue limo for Long Island. God knows what he told Cher.

the following week, the italian horn dog called me and told me not to come back to the salon. It seems that when GA returned to the hospital, he was pee tested and failed. they asked him where he got the drugs, and guess who he fingered?

my first hairdressing job, down the drain. and GA still owes me $90.

1973

circa 1973.
platform shoes, spandex bell bottoms, tight knit sweaters.
i'm in line to board my flight to L.A. from Monterey, Ca.
i'm about.........28 people from the front.
there's a loud voice coming from the front, a large hardy laugh from the throat.
i pull out of line and look towards the loud laughter.
standing there, 4th from the front of the line, with his head thrown back in an animated laugh, is Clint Eastwood.
in line for the same flight to L.A. as myself.

the door opens, the line moves, the people in front of me have claimed their seats by the time i reach the door to the seats. there in front of me, in isle 3 is clint eastwood, on the isle.

i pass him, smile, continue on to my seat.
i'm in row 11 from clint.
we take off, me watching the back of clint eastwoods head.

45 minutes later, we're landing in L.A. at LAX.
by the time i reach the ladder, at the entrance of the doorway, clint has hopped down the ladder, and into the terminal.
gone.
faster than lightening.

i very carefully step down the ladder, careful not to twist my feet on my platform heels, going down the ladder.
i finally get to the bottom and there is no sign of clint eastwood.
i go into the terminal, looking for my ride.
i'm looking in all directions, oblivious of someone standing right in front of me.

i focus to see clint eastwood, standing before me, waiting for me to look at him.
he smiles when he realizes i've seen him. he asks me where our luggage was to come out.
funny how i remembered that.
i tell him, he says to me thank you... and then i try to have small conversation with him just to stall him long enough for my ride to see him. but no luck. but clint tells me he's going to be at some tennis tournament the following week, to which i said, i would be there as well. he told me to come by and meet him and have a drink if i see him.

he leaves, and my ride arrives. late.
i tell my ride about my conversation with clint eastwood.
i doubt be believed me.
a week later, i'm at the tennis tournament with my same companion, when i spot clint eastwood with his wife in the grandstands.
my friend and i go over and re-introduce myself to him, and he buys my friend and me a drink.
and there we sat, next to clint eastwood, drinking gin and tonic.

daily diatribe

Ok, i had miniscus surgery on my right knee in March of 2007. it never fixed my problem. yesterday, the orthopedic surgeon said we need to go in there again.. 2 miniscus surgeries on the same knee? that doesn't sound right, does it?

went to lunch with annie yesterday. looking at the menu, daily special said "homemade egg salad on lettuce with tomato, lemon cream, and some kind of slice of bread." the egg salad was tasteless, no bread, and the salad was delicious with the lemon dressing. came home and decided i really needed a good egg salad.

made homemade egg salad and homemade hummus with roasted sweet red pepper.. will have that for lunch today with annie.....

have andouille sausage on the fire, and will have sausage and eggs this morning.
other than that...... life is good.
wish i could do something about my knee without surgery.
sucks to have to depend on a doctor....

Luciano Pavarotti died yesterday of pancreatic cancer. he was 71. his wife said he fought like an elephant... he will be missed.

the ocean temp has dropped one degree.
change is in the air.
and we're in the height of hurricane season.

and another thing.......

it's true. my desire to paint has been halted.

this too shall pass.

Closure, Finally.

recently, i had a dream. it was just a blurb of a dream. not like 20 minutes, or a whole night of dreaming.. but just a blurb. a fast car passing by.

i was standing at my kitchen sink, doing my evening dishes, when i heard a key in my door. i stood there, waiting to see who was opening my door, when the door opened. it was my former partner. she used a key to open my door, and she was just as surprised to see me as i, her.

she said, "i've come to return your key." (when she left me, she told me she threw the key away) all i could say was, "thank you."

i do believe that this little blurb was closure. i do believe this was what i've been waiting for for 16 months. she never told me why she left me. never explained anything. just cut me off cold.

she is her mother.
and i had closure with the meanest woman in the land.

someone please contact blogger?

if anyone is reading this, perhaps you know how to contact Blogger and complain? i can't find any buttons to notify them of this defective web site.... i can never sign into my blog with my password. i have to reset it EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Paint?

how come is it ----- everytime i sign into my blog, i have to create my password over and over again? my blog never comes up until i reset my password, and it's always the same password? life's little stupid tricks? or blogspot's little stupid tricks?

my desire to paint has waned. i no longer have the desire to pick up a paint brush and paint. hopefully, this will be short-lived. life cannot continue unless your passion is intact.

Your Typical B.S.

everytime i try to sign into my blog... my password never works. i have to reset my password to my old password, everytime.... same password. never works. have to reset old password to make my blog work.

life's odd moments.

i have walked away from my daily diet journal. i felt i was putting too much of my private life out there, and i didn't feel that i needed to write down everything, everyday. but as the days go by, i find that i'm more lax with my portion sizes. the food is always fresh and carefully prepared to omit bad carbs, bad sugars, bad salt... bad everything.. but the portion sizes are larger than they should be. but for some reason, i'm not happy with small portions that leave me still hungry.

yesterday, i went to visit my aunt in the hospital, in miami. she's down there in the middle of all those fabulous ethnic hispanic bodega's... all that fried food.. the smells that come from those cafeteria's.. make you salivate, sitting in traffic. i stopped in one of those cafeteria's and got me a bottle of water, and her-- candy. i go visit her, and she doesn't touch the candy.... so i begin eating it..... and eating it.. not giving a moment's thought to all of the sugar i was ingesting. i ate two small bags of peanut M&M's, and a Butterfinger. before long, my stomach is hurting, it's blowing up, and i feel like my esophagus was burning.... i had to lay down on her bed. i was miserable. why on earth did i put all that rat poisoning in my mouth???????

i know candy is deadly.... yet i sat there and ate it.

i also bleached my hair yesterday.
pulled strands through a cap and bleached them.
this morning my hair looks fried.
I grabbed the coconut oil and massaged it into my hair and scalp.
will know the results in a couple of hours when i wash it out.

it sucks getting older.
the smartest thing you can do for your wellbeing and health as you age is to do Yoga.
YOGA.

yoga will keep you lean, mean, and healthy..... will prohibit arthritis, aches and pains, and brittle bone breaks as you get older. do your yoga!!!! otherwise you will be walking with pain, moving with pain, and generally feeling much older than your years.

that is the best sage advice you will ever read. trust me on that one!

i'm going to go finish my coffee with coconut oil floating on top.
my phone should be ringing soon... my early bird friends and mother will be calling.

and i think i'll find a small portion of something for breakfast.

3 day holiday you say?

back with a vengence. time to keep this blog warm. yesterday, went to the orthopedic surgeon about my knee. i had had miniscus surgery in March. i still can't walk, 6 mo later. so the doc ordered an MRI, which i did yesterday.
would love to know why i can't walk normally. it hurts to limp. my whole body hurts from the re-alignment of my body to walk and avoid the pain.

the homemade pickles came out yummy. nice way to incorporate vegetable servings. i also made a large vat of chicken curry with tons of fresh veggies. i also used "creamed" coconut, rather than a can of coconut milk. what a big difference in creaminess and taste. not sure if i'll go back to canned coconut, again.

today is Friday. laundry is being done, earlyyyyyyyyy in the morning before my neighbors take over the laundry room. i have business to attend to in Miami.. Real Estate is coming back to south florida! Yayyyyyyyy!

and this weekend..... well, i've ordered a film and a few books on Andy Warhol. Thought this would be very entertaining.. and i'm finishing up Jack Kerouac's "On The Road." When time allows, I will attempt the last Harry Potter book.

my eating is good. yesterday, i met up with my pal Annie Fannie at Starbucks and we both had a raspberry mocha frappucino..... with whipped cream! we sat outside in the 91 degree heat, enjoying our ice cold coffee beverage. it was wonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnderful. but then, last night... when i was getting cravings... i nearly went for a Pink Lady apple with PB, but I had to tell myself that I had all ready had a sweet treat for the day....

Moderation! that's the only way you can control your weight.
it's a 3 day holiday, this weekend.
and the Miami Chief of Police is asking for forgiveness, 11 days after he was found to be driving a Lexus vehicle that was given to him, over a year ago..... Cops aren't sposed to "take" gifts. Another silly male human....

Nearly September

wow.... time has flown. i've been single for 1.5 yrs or so.. give or take. it took me a good year to get over that break up. i lost weight. began yoga, started eating better, swimming more, riding my bike more. seeing more doctors. having all kinds of routine visits and procedures. i had surgery on my knee last march. i'm still limping around. going for another MRI this afternoon. my friend rita has been cooking a lot of indian food for me. it has given me much inspiration to experiment with those spices and have been cooking my own versions of curries.. loaded with healthy poached protein and veggies. my father died last year. a doctor gave him too much radiation and burned all of his organs. he suffered a painful death. i've spoken to my aunt norma who said that my dad came to visit her one night in her dreams. my mother said my father comes to visit her all the time. he's never come to visit me. that i can recall. i'm sure i would remember it.

my aunt virginia broke her leg above her knee in may. she's been in a hospital ever since. i go visit her from time to time, and stop at a latin bodega and bring cuban goodies for us to eat together. it's a nice time for both of us.

i began living and working as a professional artist this year. i began selling my work. currently i'm in 3 retail establishments. this is a very good thing. i'm living the life i've always dreamt of living... not in the capacity i had envisioned, but good, just the same.

i think i will continue to work this blog.
i am sure it will go unnoticed by many.. and i can grow here.

Travel 101

Last week, I took my 14yr old son to the Passport Office to get him a Passport.

I had this crazy idea that he and I could possibly travel together.
I told him we would do a dry run in the States, before traipsing off to Europe with him. I don't think I could handle his noise for extended periods of time.

We're going to go to a city, and explore, and stay in Youth Hostels.
We're researching a couple of cities that neither of us have ever been to.
I'd like to make it the first of March.

This will pretty much decide which direction we will go at the end of winter.

Back At Home

End of October.
We just watched the 1st anniversary of Wilma go by quietly. I'm sure everyone tuned into the tropical report, just to make sure.

The beaches are empty. They belong to me, for now. No one to pull their chair over closely to me... I can sit on my cell phone and talk all afternoon, sitting by the tide line. I can write my name in the sand, with my toe. I can sit and take endless photo's of the sea gulls, invading my space... begging for my frito's.

Over to my left, are other's just like me... right up to the tide line, low tide, enjoying the solitude of the beach.


The clouds are beautiful this time of year. Lots of colors.
And I can remember why I love every day.

Photo's from my Road Trip Oct 2006 Part I

Driving from the hwy to the mountains that keep the cold ocean air on the coast..I was lucky to catch this sunset. It's also the night of the full moon.
This is a lighthouse I saw, driving up US Coast Hwy 1. Pigeon Point Lighthouse. It's north of Santa Cruz.. Morning fog made the photo even more brilliant.
I love the colors in this photo. The lines of demarcation catch my attention. This was in the valley between the salad fields and the ocean.
This is another photo taken in NM of the lines of demarcation that separate the colors in the landscape.

More landscaped color driving through the Salina's Valley.

Ode To Fall In South Florida

Clouds are higher.
Skys are dark blue.
Lots of breeze in the air.
Humidity hovers around 50%.

Perfect day.
Roads becoming clogged.
Out of country tags are showing up on the expressway.

My head is still in a fog.
We tried to say goodbye to our dad, one week ago today, but doctor's wanted us to wait another 24 hrs.
They were looking for?
None of his organs were functioning any longer.
He wanted to leave.

I have to write everything down for now, until I can remember why I was walking into the bedroom. Or why I pulled the garlic out of the bowl. Why would I need 2 large cloves of garlic at 11am?

I understand this will take a little while. I will begin to remember little tasks. I remembered to water the plant in the house, today.
I looked in the cat bowl. She's going to need some dry food soon.
She still has plenty of sand.
She's taken care of.

I need taking care of.
I need someone to tell me why I need to put a stamp on an envelope.
I have to remember to ask The Boy for the camera cord.
I have to remember to phone the Aunts'.
I have to remember that Uncle is out of the country.
Have to remember to put the incense out at night.

I hear it'll get better. Just takes time.

Out Of The Woods

I haven’t told you about my trip out of the mountains have I?

It was in October.
I had agreed to go on a car trip with someone, from Austin, TX, to Albion, CA.
It took us 6 days.
It was quite an adventure.
We had no time frame in which to do this.
She was relocating, and I was along for the company, and the photographs.

Lots of good photo’s abound.
Got up to Albion, and it was cool. Sun was just going down. We stopped at a country market and got some provisions, before heading up to the cabin.
I got a couple of beautiful rib eye’s, some chorizo sausage, eggs, olive oil, pasta, whipping cream, grated cheese. It was fun. Wine and beer.

We got up to the cabin, and unloaded our bags, and the cat that was traveling with us.
I began dinner, right away.
Friend went to town to let people know we had arrived.

For 3 days, I was in the woods, on a ridge that got no breeze. It was still. I was in the Redwood Forest. It echoed.
Quiet, no wind.
You could hear anything that stepped on something.

I would sit on the front porch, drinking wine, and looking into the dark forest.
Because of the size of the trees, surrounding the cabin, very little sun got to the ground, where we were. So it was always cool.
A fire in the wood burning stove made the cabin comfortable.
It wasn’t unusual to wear fleece all day long.
Hot tea kept me warm.

I began reading a book I found in the library.
There was no TV reception, and only one radio station.
Fortunately it was NPR.

One night, I was sitting on the front porch with my wine. Sitting quietly, scanning the darkness of the forest. I was sure things were watching me, as I was watching for them. And then it happened!
The reflection of the lamp in the window, behind me, caught the glean of a pair of eyes. There, about 50 yds from where I was sitting, were a pair of deer eyes watching me. It was just like they make in cartoons. White eyes in blackness. LOLOL!

Somewhere after day 3, did my traveling companion get under my skin.
Cohabitating had reached its life and I was ready to move on. The deteriorating of the friendship began about 10pm Wednesday night. Thursday morning, at daybreak, I went to the bedroom, threw my stuff in my suitcase, I had been traveling with, and headed out on the dirt road to the general store, about 2 miles west.
Got two rides from neighbors on the road.
Got to US 1 and my first ride was in a logging truck. This ride took me about 7 minutes to get, once I stuck my thumb out in the air. Great big logs of redwoods, freshly cut, being delivered by Ernie, this 78 yr old man, who was on his 3rd wife. He had some great stories, and shared his coffee with me. He drove me through the mountains in his rig, carrying huge 30 foot logs.
Ernie got me to Ukiah, and the truck stop at Hwy 101, going south. I ordered a breakfast sammich, and I got dressed in clothes. I had run out of the woods in my jammies and boots.
Grabbed my egg sammich and hit the hitchhiking road.
Stuck my thumb out, and held onto my breakfast, on the phone with someone.. Trying to remember who I was talking to.
A great big candy apple red truck, driven by Brian, carrying a flatbed of stone picked me up. He was a cutie. Lots of tattoo’s, liked girls, had this little beard thing happening at his chin. This ride took me about 10 minutes to get. I ate in his rig, while he told me about his daughter, his Harley, and his bad choices in women.
He got me to Santa Rosa, at a weigh station.
There, I was sitting on the phone with my daughter, with my thumb out, hat on, suitcase next to me.
I was then picked up within 10 minutes, but an American Indian, driving his van, making deliveries for a living. He drove me directly into downtown San Francisco, to an internet café. He is getting ready to tour with his band, around the country. Perhaps, he’ll get to FL.

From the front door of the cabin in Albion, to the internet café, the journey took about 6 hrs.
I was never under the assumption that something bad could have happened to me.
I was under the impression that I was going to get to downtown San Francisco, eventually.

I ended up at the USA Youth Hostel on Mason and O’Farrell.
There was a 24 hr Indian Diner across the street. (Perfecto!)
I was a couple of blocks from Market Street, where my mode of transportation was.

The next time I do this, I want to be much closer, if not in The Castro neighborhood.
I want to explore Twin Peaks, South Haight, Pacific Heights. I would like to spend more time on Valencia Street, and explore The Mission.
This is a great city.
I feel like I could move there.
Photo’s will be forthcoming.

Two Parents, Minus One, = One

Last Friday, my sister and I pulled the ventilators off my father.

It was so sudden.
It was unexpected, at least on our part.

The doctors told my sister that he knew he was terminal. He told us, the doctor's got all of his cancer. He was healing nicely, eating, laughing, walking, talking, flirting. And then he began Chemo/Radiation treatment=together.
They call it a "Double Whammy."
Dad was into his 13 treatment.
Had trouble breathing, like his lungs couldn't breathe.
Couldn't go to the bathroom. Constant direahea.
Couldn't lay down, stand up; too much pain to move.
Skin scorched on his forehead, nose, feet, ears.

He was admitted into the hospital for dehydration.
He was admitted into ICU for further complications.

I began receiving the calls around 10pm, EST, while my plane was enroute from San Francisco to Atlanta. When I landed in Altanta, the plane I was on, was headed on to Jacksonville.
When I heard the first message, I began making hurried phone calls.
Mom suggested I stay on that flight and head for Jacksonville, and forget going to Fort Lauderdale.
Delta heard me, and switched my flight.
When I landed in Jacksonville, I got a rental car, and headed straight for Daytona Beach. Landing in about 3 hrs.
Made it to the hospital.
When I spoke in Dad's ear, he nodded. He knew I was there.
But he was heavily drugged.
Tubes going down his throat, hands restrained.
But he heard me.
That was Tuesday morning, Oct 17th, 3am.
My sister flew in with her husband that afternoon.

On Thursday, we pulled the air off him.
That sudden.
Chemo/Radiation is a fast killer.
Dad said it scorched all of his organs.

When they stopped the vintilators, and we were close to dad, speakig to him, we saw tears spring from his eye. And then it was over.
10/20/2006: 1:30pm
COD: Chemotherapy and Radiation overdose.
74yr old.

5 Months and One Chapter In Life, Done.

Goodness, it's been quite awhile since I've been here and posted. It took 5 months to get over my hurt. I've thought about it, but I knew what I wrote would be nothing but private banter. Or.. perhaps someone could have learned something from it.
Who knows.
Depression takes a big toll on you, your body, your pscyhe, your whole being.
It consumes you. It is a dark hole in which you must climb out of.
It's not a nice place.
It's a crippling place.
I don't understand how some people can get it, and some never suffer from it.


It took awhile to recover from a major change in my life.
I think I hit rock bottom.
I'm not sure where I was mentally.
Somewhere, one night, I had a bottle of sleeping pills spilled onto the counter. I was counting them. I had a glass of water. I was figuring if they were going to work. And then, I went to bed, leaving everything on the counter.
I nearly did something stupid.
I do know that I had to go through all of the emotions to get to where I am today.

Friends and family played a major role in the recovery.
You can't do it alone.
You need sounding boards.
You need re-enforcement.

It's mid June now. Business has returned. I have leveled out, accepted the change, made some new friends, have dated a little. Had a fling. Played some fantasies.. Let go of "stuff."
I'm learning to be alone with me.

The former partner taught me the ease in traveling, and the joys of traveling. So most of my goals have been centered around, traveling. I'm meeting new friends, and re-acquainting myself with old ones, and planning trips with all of them. I want to have gal pals to explore with.

My head has changed in many ways. No longer do I feel it necessary to be a duo. It's okay to be solo. It's okay to stay home on weekends. It's ok to not be out socially every week. It's ok to curl up in bed and take a nap. It's ok to lay in bed and eat. It's ok to go without a shower for a day. It's ok to flirt. It's ok to cry over a TV show. It's ok to cry over a bad dream. It's ok to cry. It's ok to play my music on the highest volume setting.

I've given up some bad habits.
Picked up some good ones.
And my home is more organized.
I'm not afraid of hurricanes.
I'm relishing in this new singleness.
I'm relishing in the attention.

It's true.
Life is everchanging.

She's Gone

What does it feel like when someone you love, leaves you at the most difficult time in your life?
What makes someone run?
What happened to "I'll love you forever?"

How long must one grieve, understand, theorize the breakdown of a long standing relationship?

How come there was no communication?
Why did she run? Just prior to running, she was asking me what my 10 "must see" places were, that I'd like to go... Why the sudden change?

Did she wake up one morning and decide that my issues were more than she could tolerate?

How does one put this all into reason?
Do I thank her for the 6 yrs she gave me?
Or do I throw away her number?

It's Getting Dark.

I am dying inside. It's getting darker and darker.
I see no light. My hole is so deep, I can't climb out.

Crying only stops up my nose, makes my eyes puffy.

I'm withering.
The flower is dead.
Weeds are growing around me, strangling me.
I'm ready.

What To Do

The money has nearly run out. Good times in Real Estate are at a stand still in my town. Nothing is selling. Listings are sitting idle, no one showing them. No Buyers. Each month, another couple thousand go out in bills. Nothing coming in. I'm almost feeling guilty for buying canvases to paint on. Kid needs shoes. Kid needs teeth cleaned.
My listings are sitting ticking away time.
My checkbook is rapidly being depleted by automatic bill pay.
I can no longer sleep.
I'm afraid to close my eyes.

I look around my house and figure 2 more months of ownership.
And then....
then.. it'll be all gone. Go to the ATM only to find no money in the account.
I could use my credit card to siphon money off. But no money to pay back.
I was being delusional to think I could support myself on my art work. Ha! Why do you think they are called "starving artists."

How To Do It

Once upon a time I was with a man, a young lawyer. Handsome in every right, charisma plus, sexy, well built.. everything we put on our list of "must have's."

One day, Mr. Handsome took me to a party. We had been in a short live in situation, we were still feeling one another out. I met the hostess of this party, and we sat together and had drinks. I noticed she didn't mingle very much with her guests. And then as the drinks flowed, so did her mouth.

She told me she was the new wife to this very handsome, successful dentist man. She also told me how his son's and ex wife treated her very badly, but that she endured, only to be the next wife. And that's all she's ever wanted... She told me if I wanted to be Mr. Handsome's wife, I was going to have to go along with whatever he threw at me, or his ex wife. Told me if I wanted it badly enough, I would keep my mouth shut.

She had her goals right in front of her.

Small Blessings

It's nearly Christmas, the 2nd holiday in a long procession of holidays. I was painting nudes and martini paintings, and thinking... oh these will sell quickly. I was kinda hoping that my paintings would cover January or February's bills.

Last night daughter phoned from a little bar she tends, and where I have my paintings hanging on the walls. She wanted to let me know that one of my paintings had sold.

It was the first painting I sold. I really have no clue what the bar owner got for my painting, but I did get what we agreed upon. I'll never know what my painting went for. But... he charges less commission than the art galleries in town.

When my daughter said, "One of your paintings sold," I think I was very surprised.
I had to relive that sentence in my head again. Kept hitting the repeat button. And then the owner of the bar got on the phone and let me know that one of my paintings sold. Very nice feeling washed over me. Timeless, magical... forever.

I wonder why the 2nd sale will be like.

Prior To The Holidays

I haven't been consistent with my writings. My life has been dealing with real life. The kid and his home schooling.
Holiday shopping.
Business, or lack there of.
Neighbor with kidney stone.
Daughter moving in with b/f, only to come to her senses and move back to her old apt.

"Time makes you bolder, children get older, and I'm getting older, too."

Have gone back into my grain phase. We shall see if it cleanses me out, and gets me back to being svelte.


This is me at the end of the year.

Fantasy Feasted

Fantasy Fest was a great time, this year in Key West. It had been postponed because of Hurricane Wilma, and 2/3 of the normal populace for this festivity, didn't show up. It was comfortable. Not so crowded. Enjoyed the ambience, and very grateful to those that chose to dress up, or dress down, whatever it was that they did. Thank you for having the balls!!!!

There was one person that dressed down, and my friend C named the photo, "Oh my God." She had shaved her crotch and stuck a paper heart there. Bless her heart. And she walked up and down the street dressed like that.

Fantasy Fest brought out many brave exhibitiners. They were not afraid to walk down the street for every camera went off. But I especially liked Cruella DeVille and her Dalmations. If you look at the picture, that is a real fire hydrant. They actually staged a photographers stage around a fire hydrant, that they repainted. They didn't have to walk up and down the street. They posed for you.
Many Artisans had the opportunity to display their airbrush talent on beautiful canvases.Those are coconuts!
Was a good time had by all.

Holidays Are Approaching

Either you love this time of year, or you don't.

Every year, I say I'm going to do it differently, and every year, it turns out the exact same way.

But this year, I DID do something differently. Well, it's not exactly the holidays just yet.. but soon. So I got started early. What's the big deal? I found things I wanted to paint, composed pictures from my head, and then went and purchased 6 canvases.

That's a lot of pictures.
But I'm inspired. I have this idea.. I bought a bunch of wood picture frames from a garage sale a couple years ago, and put them away. So yesterday, I went and purchased canvas's that would fit into each of these frames. Then I'll paint a picture that comes easily, put a ribbon on the frame, and go hang it somewhere. What a great gift idea, huh? And it doesn't have to be expensive. It might be so attractive, that someone may purchase 2!!!!

I'm doing a series of women- and martini glasses. There are 3 paintings, each with a woman, each with a martini glass. They'll be different kinds of drinks, with different props, but the girls will be the same. Sexy, looking directly at you, showing a little something. My Drinking Women Series. (with bows)

Cross your fingers and toes that I sell these. It would make a nice achievement, and a great honor to my self esteem. I think my kids would be delighted as well.

So........ I'm looking forward to the holiday season, only differently this season.

What Wilma Is Doing To Us

It was so hot and humid last night, I started puking. We're on day 10 of no power, someone siphoned gas from my car. They took the change in the ashtray that was for tolls. I'm thinking, it's getting pretty desperate here.

South Florida is suffering, and the news has stopped talking about it. I guess New Orleans was worst. It never dawned on anyone that Florida could suffer as great, if not greater. More people that work in buildings, can't go to their offices. They are finding office space in Tampa, and Orlando, having to move their families from here.

Power linemen stand in the streets, look at our power lines and put their hands on their hips and say out loud, "We have major problems." And then they go to lunch, or go check out other lines, never to be seen again. We all go outside of our hot little homes and look at them, begging them with our eyes to give us light. They just shake their heads.

I understand, they're not going into alley's to fix power lines because they have to wait for the city employees to go into the alleys and cut the trees off the downed power lines. Everyone has a specific duty, in a specific order.

I see street lights on at the end of my street. I see power at the restaurants, the fire stations, but the homes are still black. The sound of generators permeat the air. The smell of fuel is awful.

I'm starting to feel the dismay, the depression setting in. Never in my 50 yrs have I ever been without electric for more than 2 days at most. But 10? I feel dirty, my fingernails constantly get dirty, the roots on my head are overgrown. My skin is chapped, the hairs on my legs are.... jungles.

It's affecting us all. I heard NPR say on Monday, "This was the straw that broke the Real Estate market's back." Hell, we crashed in September, we're dead now.. No use beating a dead horse.

Time to go hunt for gas.

After Hurricane Wilma

It's the first of November. South Florida was walloped by Bitch Wilma. Our city is in shambles. Schools are closed. Businesses are just beginning to get power. It blew through here around 5 am Monday morning, October 24th, with 120 mph winds. Blew solidly for 6 hours. We put the hurricane shutters up, we had ice, water, propane for the grill, and tons of food from 3 different refrigerators. Speaking of the fridge, the fridge on the back porch blew off the porch, which is 3 feet off the ground.
Our power went out at 7am. Because I was in my partner's home on the beach, we were safe. It's built of poured concrete, and can withstand a nuclear bomb (we're thinking). She put in high impact windows and doors. As we looked out the doors, we could see rooftops coming off, we could see the tops of trees being cut off. I sat on the floor at the back door and watched the neighbors 10 foot satellite dish fall off the roof, (the metal snapped) and fall into my partner's backyard. Thank Goddess, the palm trees stopped it from coming at the house. We sat in here until about noon, when the worst was over.
I looked south, towards Miami, and could see some blue sky's and realized the worst was over. I jumped into some shoes, and a jacket and ran out the front door with my camera. The road, the Broadwalk had 1-3 feet of sand covering it. All buildings were completely coated in sand. Some doors were blocked by 4 foot sand drifts. I felt like singing that song that the Good Witch in Wizard of Oz sang to the Munchkins; "Come out, come out, wherever you are."
People starting coming out of their homes, motel rooms. We all headed out to the beach. I ran across Ocean Drive and went to look at the waves in the Intracoastal. I saw fish jumping like mad. Big waves with white caps.
Then I went over to the beach and couldn't believe the waves.. I took lots of pictures of the waves. Life Guard stands were imploded, signs bent, cbs buildings crumbled. wooden structures were gone for good.
Out of 5.2 million residents of Dade and Broward Counties, 10 gas stations had generators. FEMA wouldn't authorize the release and distribution of ice and water until Wednesday. The trucks sat, fully loaded in Homestead waiting for authorization to head to distribution areas.
10 Traffic signals remained hanging.

School buildings crumbled.
Ships broke free of rope and banged into bridges.
Millions of non-native trees came down and pulled power lines down, fell on top of homes, and vehicles.
Trees blocked roadways, blocked in residents of gated communities...

It's Day 9 and no power. It's getting old. Gas is still expensive. A typical generator powering a fridge, a computer, and maybe a microwave or toaster oven takes 5 gallons of gas per day.

At night, with the time change, it gets dark at 5:30. Which means we need more batteries for our tv, our flashlights.

Snakes Go Wild!

Here in South Florida, many people make pets out of python snakes. It's no surprise to see someone walking around with a large 7 foot snake draped around their body, and around their neck.

When a snake gets too large, and too expensive to feed, most owners take the snakes out and dump them in a vacant lot, or out in the Everglades. These people do not investigate snakes before purchasing, otherwise, they would learn that the world's largest python was recorded at 33 feet long. Oddly, in the last couple of days, pythons have been making the news.

Over the weekend, a python ate someone's cat. The owners of the cat, saw the cat in the snakes jaws, when they went out back to grill their dinner. There was this large snake, in their back yard, next to a pond, swallowing their cat.

Then yesterday, the news showed us a python that had swallowed an alligator. What???
An alligator, you ask stupified. Indeed, and the alligator exploded, after eating the gator.

And lastly, a python was caught in West Miami Dade, feasting on turkeys in a turkey farm.

It's really a shame that people can't be responsible about their pets. If they can't afford to feed, and house a pet snake that they KNOW will become 33 feet long, why purchase it in the first place? Perhaps there should be a law against selling snakes that are going to get larger than an alligator.

It's just not right

World's Biggest American Food!

Was discussing hot dogs in a forum on the internet, when my mind began to wander to all the different varities of hot dogs. My favorite has to be the Canadian Hot Dog, which I get in Hallandale, FL. It's a white toast, folded, with a great big Vienna brand hot dog, smothered in cole slaw, cheese, raw onions, and chili. It really is what I would call a "garbage hot dog." But if you look at the menu, you'll see all kinds of different styles of hot dogs. The most famous, being the Chicago Style Hot Dog, complete with celery salt.


But then I started hunting for other hot dog stands that carry Canadian style hot dogs, when I came across a web site that had World's biggest American fare. Are we really gluttons in America? Do we really require a fifteen pound burger? or a foot long hot dog?

Well, I guess when you consider the fact that we're an obese nation, why the hell not? Check out these photo's. Think to yourself, "Is it REALLY necessary to make a total pig of yourself?" Go on, ask yourself. And then start your diet again, on Monday.

Killing Is Legal In Florida!

Tis true! Florida has passed a new "shoot them first law." I can own a gun, carry a gun in my car, on my person, in my home. If someone as much as looks at me cross eyed, threatens me because I took his parking place at the local market, or cut in front of him in my vehicle.... That person can pull a gun and shoot me in broad daylight, shoot me down, and walk away with the law on his side. The law says, that if he feels his life is in danger, he may shoot with deadly force and get away with it. “People can shoot first and ask questions later.”

So I was thinking.... I could go to downtown Miami, hang out in Little Havana, and if anyone tries to pan me for money, I can shoot him down, saying that I feared for my life. "I felt like I was in eminent danger." Period. And I can walk away, scott free.

If my neighbor doesn't like the fact that my Friday night dinner gathering is going on longer than the 11pm curfew for public noise, my neighbor can come upstairs and shoot me in the head.

If I take a parking space, that someone else was waiting for, that person can get out of his car, and shoot me dead.

If I don't like the fact that someone is talking on a cell phone in a movie theatre, to which I'm sitting..... I can shoot that person dead.

I wonder what it's going to be like, living in the wild, wild west...
I wonder if I should go out and get me a 45.... just in case.
I'm scared to death, that the person that I flip off with my middle finger, for running a stop sign, and nearly hitting me, won't shoot me dead....

It seems so wrong to me, that we can resort to gun toting, killing one another like we were in Iraq or somewhere that killing is a daily occurrence.

Hey..... I live in Shrub country...Gays can't adopt children and give them permanent homes, but we can shoot one another down in the middle of the street!
Is this a great state or what??

Summer's over, but the weather is still in the upper 80's!

The Farmer's Markets are bringing out the pumpkins and gourds in abundance. The weather is still warm, you still have your A/C cranked up in the house and car. You're still wearing shorts and tank tops, and you still have a tan.... But the pumpkin patches are out in full force along the sides of the road... I wish it were really Autumn here!